What Does It Mean To Be Demisexual?


Many people talk about having a true, deep and meaningful connection with a person before wanting to get physically intimate.

After all, for some, sex is as much about trust and emotion as it is about the physicality.

However, there’s a select few members of society who don’t just strive to attach feelings to sexual attraction, but view it as a necessity, which means casual sex, a one-night stand or – in some cases – a kiss with a stranger is pretty much a no-go.

If this sexual orientated lifestyle sums up your feelings towards sex, emotion and relationships, you be what is known as a demisexual.

Here is everything you need to know about demisexuality:

What is demisexuality?

© South_agency – Getty Images Love

Earlier this year, Brian Langevin, executive director of Asexual Outreach, told the Guardian: ‘Demisexuality is a sexual orientation like gay or bisexual.’

According to resource website demisexuality.org, the meaning of ‘demisexuality’ can be defined as: ‘A sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.

‘Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.’

To put it simply, demisexuals only like someone once they’ve formed a strong emotional connection. Then, and only then, can the possibility of sexual attraction arise.

Is demisexual a new term?

The Independent reports the term ‘demisexual’ first came to light in 2008 on the website of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network and has been gaining traction ever since, with more and more people identifying with the orientation.

Struggling to identify with her sexuality for years, in 2016 Washington Post writer Meryl Williams detailed how she came across the term ‘demisexuality’ on Twitter and started an investigation into what it meant, which ultimately helped her come to terms with her own sexual orientation.

© Flashpop – Getty Images Colourful studio portrait of two women

‘I’m just glad that a term for my sexuality exists, even if it’s one I’ll probably have to explain to my future partners,’ she wrote.

‘As I continue to date, that conversation will probably serve as a decent screening process.’

What are the signs that you might be demisexual?

In December 2016, Tinder launched almost 40 new gender and sexual orientated definition options, welcoming users of all demographics – be it transgender, gender-nonconforming, bigender or pangender – into a social dating community that previously disregarded just how wide-ranging sexual identities can be.

The same week, Williams wrote an article about finding her sexuality and what life is like being a ‘demisexual’.

Here are five signs, according to Williams, you might be demisexual:

1) You’ve probably been called a ‘prude’

Explaining her experience of demisexuality, Williams wrote: ‘In my dating life, I’ve often described my sexuality as ‘taking a while to warm up.

‘Years ago, I would feel guilty for frustrating the people I was dating. I didn’t want to feel as if I needed to explain to people why I wasn’t ready to be intimate.’

If you’ve been labelled an ‘ice queen’ or ‘old-fashioned’ when it comes to sex and dating, it could be because of your demisexuality, she says. Williams argues that demisexuals aren’t generally interested in one-night stands as they need to really know someone well before feeling a strong attraction.

2) Looks are mostly irrelevant

© Westend61 – Getty Images Holding hands at river Seine

For demisexuals, physical appearance is a non-factor when it comes to forming romantic feelings.

‘I generally put intellect and sense of humour over how “attractive” someone is,’ wrote Williams.

‘If a guy doesn’t say anything offensive and makes me laugh on a first date, I’ll probably go on a second. Still, I know that a person’s positive attributes don’t necessarily guarantee that a physical attraction will follow. I just have to be patient and see what happens.’

Demisexuals are attracted to personalities over looks and more interested in authentic connections.

3) Most of your relationships start out as friendships

A level of complete trust and security is one of the biggest attractions for you for demisexuals. Those who identify in this was feel safe and are much more attracted to someone once they feel comfortable sharing details about their life.

Despite dating in a society that is increasingly more open to the ‘hook up culture’ from online dating, Williams admits that: ‘Figuring out that I am demisexual has been a relief, and it hasn’t changed much about how I date. I’ve never let physical attraction guide my dating decisions.’

4) You put a lot of pressure on first dates

When it comes to demisexuality, it’s less likely that a demisexual will want to waste their time – or that of another person – by continuing to date unless they’re quite sure they’re attracted someone.

However, they can’t be positive that an attraction truly exists unless they give them a chance. As a result, demisexuals may find themselves in a tricky situation when it comes to knowing how much time to invest in a potential relationship and might tend to come across slightly intense on a first date.

Earlier this year, one demisexual explained their frustration with dating on asexuality.org, writing: ‘I hate dating. I always feel pressured because the other person seems to get much more quickly attached than me.’

Another wrote: ‘I just don’t get how to meet people with the sole purpose being the possibility of a relationship.’

© Petri Oeschger – Getty Images Demisexuality

While demisexuals might want to discuss topics in-depth in attempt to really understand another person’s personality and their compatibility, it’s important to be aware of when this process can turn into an interrogation of sorts.

5) You enjoy sex but it isn’t the most important factor

Unlike sexual behaviour, sexual attraction can’t be controlled or forced to happen.

Contrary to asexuality (the absence or low interest in sexual activity), demisexuals are capable of feeling sexual attraction but only when they form a deep emotional bond with another person.

In an interview with the Guardian earlier this year, demisexual Lidia Buonaiuto explained this further, stating: ‘I have sexual urges but it’s only when I’m in a relationship that has come out of an intense emotional connection first. I don’t have a physical “type”, it doesn’t matter what they look like.’

So, sexual attraction is possible but it might take a little longer to develop for demisexuals than for most people.

And, let’s be clear, this isn’t about sex or a lack of libido, rather the need for emotional intimacy to feel attraction.

Is there a demisexual flag?

Due to the similarities with asexuality, the demisexual pride flag has been designed using the asexual flag’s colours, but arranged in a different pattern.

While the asexual flag is formed of simple, horizontal strips of black, grey, white, then purple, the demisexual flag has a black triangle on the left hand side as seen below.

© -1001- – Getty Images Demisexual Pride Flag

For both flags, black symbolises asexuality, purple symbolises community and grey represents ‘Grey-Ace’ (those falling between sexual and a sexual, they have some or occasional feelings of sexual desire) and demisexuality, according to Entity magazine.

Meanwhile, the meaning of white represents sexuality on the demisexual flag. However, it represents ‘non-asexual partners and allies’ on the asexual flag.

Unfortunately, iPhone users are unable to find the demisexual flag as an emoji, as the only pride flag available for use is the general rainbow flag.


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